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confusing

it is still 9 am, too early to be confused
my mind is full of something
about my conversation with tari in the train yesterday
and also what already happened in the last three days in jogja
to be honest, it’s a small stuff that dont need to be worried
however, questions and opinions from others about “this” make the situation become more complicated

and here my story..
it was begun by pure friendship
and by the time goes, this friendship become more than just a friend
when I need him the most
when I realize that I depend on him
when I can tell every little thing to him
when I feel comfortable by the way he treats me
when his messages always make me smile
when having communication with him becomes a new needed
when this friendship changes to be “something”

i don’t know what I should call that “something”
called it love? i don’t think so because it’s just too early
called it friendship? hmm, i think it’s just more than a friendship
called it open relationship? hello, we didn’t discuss about it before
so what is it?

then several questions appear to haunt my mind
what happened to me and him?
what do we want? why do we do this?

I have two choice..
first is limit our conversation and return it to be an usual conversation
but it will have risk that we will not have good relationship like now
i dont want it happens to us, because i still need him
second choice is talking with him what happen to us
but I dont want to make this relationship become more serious
or even, by discussing our feeling, we will decide to separate
hmm, just the two of confusing choices

I don’t know what I should do
because, actually, I don’t know what I want
hey you, please use your initiative to make it become clear for me..

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i don’t know what kind of feeling
so abstract till i cannot understand

maybe i am too shy to admit it
maybe my protection is too tight
maybe i am afraid of falling down
maybe it’s better to pretend
maybe i am afraid of facing the reality
maybe this kind of situation will be much better
maybe i should keep my word
maybe it’s just temporary

but i have already felt it
cant stop smiling
cant stop thinking “it”
cant stop every conversation
cant hide how happy i am
cant pretend how i need “it”

i just realize that i start to depend on ‘it”
and this is my DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE

quotes of mine

“it’s a journey, we visit a place and find something new, then we’ll leave the city to look for other things that we’ve not known yet”

“trusting your instinct and believe in yourself”

“you’ve changed the black of mine to be this beautiful rainbow color”

“challenges are created to improve human skill, don’t worry to much”

“be thankful for everything that you’ve got, and you will understand this wonderful life”

“finding a friend like searching shoes to fit on yours, but finding a boyfriend/girlfriend like searching a piece of losing puzzle to complete you”

“i prefer choosing what i want to what i need, because i search happiness in this world”

called it FRIENDSHIP

the pictures were taken when we would graduate from SMA 3 bdg. we named ours as “gank sampah” because we love doing silly things. how i miss them so bad, even some of us study in ITB but we have a lack of time to meet..

and in college, I also find fabulous friends
they are new home for me because we are far from our families
doing silly together, laugh, study, complain, tears ,cry have fulfilled our friendship for these last 2,5 years

i’m very blessed to have friends like you guys 🙂

nothing to do

i don’t have anything to do this night
actually, i’ve planed to study investment management as preparation for my middle-test next week
but, the plan is ruin by my lazy-mood and solitude feeling hehehe

so, i choose to write blog than i’m tortured with the loneliness
i’m so sorry if this blog is ngalor-ngidul and full of complaining
because i just need to express what i feel and there wont be any point from this post hehe

it’s sunday night, that means i should go back to my activity tomorrow
to be honest, i am bored with my activities
especially my boring internship where there is nothing to do and just sit down for 8 hours/day
and my internship is still 7 weeks to go (please just fast-forward this part)
i want my college life back, please…
i’ve just realized that school is much better than working

and tonight i feel solitude
my friends are too busy with their things, so do my siblings
adi usually accompanies me in the night with bbm or ym
but today, his BIS is unactivated and he is not home
so, here i am. feeling solitude because no one to have talk with
hmm i want to call someone but i dont know whom
i want to have chat/ym/sms but there is no interested-people in my online list
i want to study, but my brain is not ready enough

i’m very labil this night
too lazy to do anything
feel boring with all the things around me
i want to something new, i want holiday please…
or you, just go home soon to make the black of mine to be rainbow color

for my-old-G

sorry…
for being so immature
for being so egoistic
for being so childish
for being so dependent
for my over-honesty
for crying for you
for my selfish love
for always missing you
for wanting you THAT MUCH
for keeping you so tight
for my stupidity
for my unwanted situation
for this “yes girl”
for giving you sleepless nights
for every fight and emotion
for those tears
for the unwanted calls
for my believe and dreams
for being so blue

when those “sorry” didn’t work anymore
should I give up or chasing payment?

how to ride these?